Due to my son's instability and a very tough 2008, we haven't been able to support this ministry in the way we would've wanted. It is temporarily on hold (emphasis on temporary).
We've been praying that God would direct this ministry, using us only as He sees fit in order to meet the needs of the community of those struggling with similar issues. Though it has been so difficult to accept this past year of inactivity, we are trying to believe that God has a purpose for it all, and somehow "all things will work for good.....according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).
Know that we have been praying for each of you individually. We care deeply about your situations, your life, your emotions, your well-being, and much more. Please pray for us and this ministry of outreach to those unable to attend church due to their family's unique needs.
I have been keeping a blog for my son's counselor and doctors. It may encourage you to see a raw look at the life of a family dealing with mental illness. If you are interested in viewing it and would like to be added to the approval list, contact me at ode@comcast.net.
Hope to see you in 2009!
12/24/2008
7/29/2008
A raw, inside look at the heart of a struggling family
(Journal entry dated 4/8/2008) "I'm still hurting, but still hanging in there. I'm trying to learn to relax a little today and put the endless to do list on hold for the day. We're going to try to go to church this evening instead of on Sunday morning. I don't know why I keep torturing myself with trying to go to church. The kids say they want to go, but the services are miserable for all of us. Maybe a Saturday service will be less stimulating for all of us and more relaxed. I'm growing to hate Sunday morning services because of the way I feel like we have to pretend to be something we're not. The kids are miserable and so am I. So, even though there's no Sunday School on Saturdays, I think we might all do better with a more relaxed service. We'll see. I am not going to fake a smile anymore. I smile naturally anyway, but I'm not going to put on a mask to go to church. I want to be real at church. If putting down my mask upsets others, so be it. I'm at church to worship God and to nurture my spirit, I'm not there to please others. If my reality makes others uncomfortable, they can just walk away. If my hyper-active, sensory needs, almost Asperger's son makes people uncomfortable, they don't have to sit by us. If my son freaks out in church because of a bad sensory day, people could offer to help instead of staring and clucking their tongues. If my daughter screams because her brother is freaking out, then others can either help or go away instead of staring at us like we're freaks. A special needs family deserves to be in church as much as the families who "have it together." I wish those families would just admit that their lives aren't perfect either. We're just loud about our imperfections! I used to love church. Now I dread it. But I have to keep trying because my son (and daughter in a different way) needs to practice his coping skills and social skills. (And so do I). Church is a good place to try. Oh... I'm really lying to myself now... I just long for fellowship. I used to share fellowship until I grew a loud family. Now people run from us. Oh I'm really whining today... I guess I'm getting paid back for every time I used to ask "Why can't those parents control their kids?" There is no such thing as controlling your kids or anyone else. At best we can influence and teach. My goal is to help my kids learn to control themselves. Most days, I don't know what I'm doing, so I just do the best that I can. I'm not going to pressure myself to get us to church this evening. We can have our quiet (or not) family service at home. I just long for the fellowship of other Christians. I think my kids do to. But at what cost. Soon they will learn that they are being ostracized by others. They will feel like they are wrong when they are not wrong. My son needs "active" worship... He is filled with God's spirit and when he's aware of it, he prays loudly and sings his heart out. I can't tell him not to express that. It's sad to admit that if I want my son's spirit to flourish, we need to skip church. My daughter would do okay in church. I think when she is a little older, we can find a way for her to be a part of the traditional church, but for now, she worships better at home too. If "worship" induces screaming and tantrums, then there's something wrong. I'd scream too if I thought it would do any good. Great, I made myself cry again. It's time to stop. I feel so alone. God, I know you are with me and our kids. Please love them through me and show me how I can find fellowship."
When I wrote the last line about asking God to help me find fellowship, I thought of you guys. I haven't met any of the other "unchurch" fellowship, but I'm thankful that I've met you. I'm sorry that I'm feeling sorry for myself, but that's where I'm at today. I suppose I'm grateful for the internet too. It does create one way of seeking fellowship in Christ. I'm glad you are there. I'm glad I feel comfortable enough to be this "real" with another family. I think I have that comfort because I'm pretty sure you've felt that way before. Thank you for reading, Blessings, Leslie
(send comments or questions to pastor_kurt@yahoo.com or ode@comcast.net)
When I wrote the last line about asking God to help me find fellowship, I thought of you guys. I haven't met any of the other "unchurch" fellowship, but I'm thankful that I've met you. I'm sorry that I'm feeling sorry for myself, but that's where I'm at today. I suppose I'm grateful for the internet too. It does create one way of seeking fellowship in Christ. I'm glad you are there. I'm glad I feel comfortable enough to be this "real" with another family. I think I have that comfort because I'm pretty sure you've felt that way before. Thank you for reading, Blessings, Leslie
(send comments or questions to pastor_kurt@yahoo.com or ode@comcast.net)
3/31/2008
Post Trib article re:Medicaid waiver
Families seek help for children with disabilities
March 17, 2008
By Janna Odenthal Post-Tribune correspondent
For families with special needs, hope often melts into years.
Those who applied in June 1998 for Medicaid waiver assistance for disabilities were put on a waiting list. This month, nearly 10 years later, some finally are being approved.
Opportunity Enterprises recently hosted a new support group, Family and Friends Together. This month featured the Medicaid waiver services program.
In a room nearly filled to capacity, fewer than 10 raised their hand to show that they were finally off the waiting list and approved to receive services.
South Haven resident Karla Pettett has been waiting seven years. She said she came to the meeting to hear answers to people's questions. Her 7-year-old daughter, Kara, needs a wheelchair and feeding tube.
"We all want to see the light at the end of the tunnel," Pettett said. "The system is so confusing that it's hard to even know what is available to you unless you hear it from a friend.
"Sometimes I don't even know the right questions to ask to get the answers that I need."
Pamela Barlow and Demetris Cole, service coordinators from the Bureau of Developmental Disabilities Services, explained how the waivers for autism, developmental disabilities and support services serve to assist a person to be as independent as possible.
They described how some of the features could include payment for medical services, therapy, respite care, crisis assistance and more.
They also attempted to explain the process of applying and gave advice on how to prepare.
Brenda Darrol, an Arc Network family advocate, attended the meeting. Her 14-year-old daughter, Angela, has been on the waiting list since 1998.
"We received notice just last week that Angela is being taken off the waiting list," Darrol said. "It is a relief, but, at the same time, I know there are thousands in Indiana still waiting. They deserve to get what they need, too."
Resources and references were offered by Barlow and Cole for those seeking further information regarding specific situations.
Kouts resident Paul Rhodea said he is trying to find a job in the community for his 17-year-old daughter, Rachel, mentally disabled since birth.
"It's bittersweet; we all have to adjust our expectations of our dreams for our kids," Rhodea said. "But when we accept the realities, then we can begin to educate ourselves and others."
Gary Mitchell, president of Opportunity Enterprises, encourages parents to do whatever it takes to get services for their sons and daughters.
"Go after it; go after it extremely hard," Mitchell said.
For more information
What: Family and Friends Together support group meeting
Where: Opportunity Enterprises, 2801 Evans Ave., Valparaiso
Contact: John Seibert, vice president, 464-9621 or www.oppent.org
March 17, 2008
By Janna Odenthal Post-Tribune correspondent
For families with special needs, hope often melts into years.
Those who applied in June 1998 for Medicaid waiver assistance for disabilities were put on a waiting list. This month, nearly 10 years later, some finally are being approved.
Opportunity Enterprises recently hosted a new support group, Family and Friends Together. This month featured the Medicaid waiver services program.
In a room nearly filled to capacity, fewer than 10 raised their hand to show that they were finally off the waiting list and approved to receive services.
South Haven resident Karla Pettett has been waiting seven years. She said she came to the meeting to hear answers to people's questions. Her 7-year-old daughter, Kara, needs a wheelchair and feeding tube.
"We all want to see the light at the end of the tunnel," Pettett said. "The system is so confusing that it's hard to even know what is available to you unless you hear it from a friend.
"Sometimes I don't even know the right questions to ask to get the answers that I need."
Pamela Barlow and Demetris Cole, service coordinators from the Bureau of Developmental Disabilities Services, explained how the waivers for autism, developmental disabilities and support services serve to assist a person to be as independent as possible.
They described how some of the features could include payment for medical services, therapy, respite care, crisis assistance and more.
They also attempted to explain the process of applying and gave advice on how to prepare.
Brenda Darrol, an Arc Network family advocate, attended the meeting. Her 14-year-old daughter, Angela, has been on the waiting list since 1998.
"We received notice just last week that Angela is being taken off the waiting list," Darrol said. "It is a relief, but, at the same time, I know there are thousands in Indiana still waiting. They deserve to get what they need, too."
Resources and references were offered by Barlow and Cole for those seeking further information regarding specific situations.
Kouts resident Paul Rhodea said he is trying to find a job in the community for his 17-year-old daughter, Rachel, mentally disabled since birth.
"It's bittersweet; we all have to adjust our expectations of our dreams for our kids," Rhodea said. "But when we accept the realities, then we can begin to educate ourselves and others."
Gary Mitchell, president of Opportunity Enterprises, encourages parents to do whatever it takes to get services for their sons and daughters.
"Go after it; go after it extremely hard," Mitchell said.
For more information
What: Family and Friends Together support group meeting
Where: Opportunity Enterprises, 2801 Evans Ave., Valparaiso
Contact: John Seibert, vice president, 464-9621 or www.oppent.org
3/04/2008
As Far as the East is from the West
(Send questions and comments to pastor_kurt@yahoo.com)
As of this writing, only a short while ago a student gunman at Virginia Tech went on a killing spree. Seung-Hui Cho, a first generation Korean from northern Virginia was both responsible and was a victim. According to some news reports I read, he was diagnosed as autistic when he arrived here in the States as an eight year old. The Korean-American community in which he lived believed that seeking mental health care carries a stigma. Korean society - Confucian, patriarchal, and steeped in pride, dignity and the importance of family - has long viewed mental illness as a taboo topic best kept in the closet. Many Koreans consider it "a sign of bad blood or a sin” to be depressed. "It's against our culture to talk about these things," one person stated.
Since infancy, family and friends noticed Cho as being “different.” As he grew, matured, and developed, Seung-Hui just didn’t talk to people. Some say he was very cold. As a young teen, many say Cho was a stranger even among the tight-knit families who were his neighbors. Relatives said he was unusually quiet and classmates say he was sullen and withdrawn.
My understanding of some mental illnesses such as clinical depression, or even autism, is that these are extremely common symptoms or characteristics.
He became a sophomore at college, still withdrawn, still sullen, depressive. At one point he e- mailed a friend mentioning his suicidal tendencies. The friend passed the e-mail to authorities. The U.S. Courts required him to seek psychiatric assistance; however there was no follow up, and Seung-Hui never went for help.
Then it happened…April 16, 2007, the largest school massacre in modern U.S. history. One professional at the school said of Cho, "Those students are withdrawn and isolated, and even though we see that as a problem, because it's not disruptive, often they slip through the cracks."
The parents, Sung and Hyang Cho, said that the family was "heartbroken" by their son's actions. So are many people. He just slipped through the cracks.
Closer to home, at least my home, Valparaiso, IN had a similar scare in November 2004. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and a student who decided he no longer needed his medication went on a spree. Valparaiso High school is one of the local schools where I teach a two day presentation a few times per year. People in our office were devastated as news came in that a student had been literally hacking seven others with a machete in a classroom and then the hallway. The attacking student, who is now 17, was recently sentenced. He, too, suffers from mental illness.
In my office November 24, 2004 we had a few moments of group prayer. I remember one colleague praying for the families of the victims. For comfort, unity, strength, etc. My mind and heart immediately went in two different directions after he prayed that particular statement. I have no recollection of the rest of his prayer. I thought “what if that was my son that did this in 3-5 years?” That thought took me to the next, which was “man, the parents of the slasher must be going through hell right about now.” The parents are “victims” too.
Real life adventures such as these help raise awareness of mental health issues, mostly in a scary way, to neuro-typical people. There will always be misunderstanding and fear which can result in hate and distance created because of these events. With disturbing news often comes blame, whether justified or not. We often want someone to hate for Virginia Tech and Valparaiso High school. The system is often blamed, or the parents, or the medication and mental health professionals, even the killer himself.
In my home, I have experienced this blame game at times. One small example happened very recently. I was talking with my wife on the couch after work with a cup of coffee in hand. My son was playing with a friend and quickly approached me. He has been warned many times not to jump on me when I have coffee in my hand. He gets burned, I get mad, and the carpet and furniture get soaked.
Well, you can guess what happened; he jumped, coffee spilled, I yelled, and he apologized. It seemed very scripted. It all happened in 3-4 seconds. He was clearly at fault. There was lots of blame to spread around. So I spread it. I sounded just like my Dad. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times…” blah, blah, blah.
“Daddy I said I was sorry. Do you forgive me?”
“Yeah, but…” blah, blah, blah.
We have a rule in our house. It’s based on Psalm 103. When someone offends another, and apologizes sincerely, the offended forgives, and it’s over. It’s not to be brought up again. The offense no longer exists.
Psalm 103
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Isn’t that beautiful from the perspective of someone who offends God and sins against Him? How about from the perspective of someone sinning against another? It seems I am the one in my house that least remembers that verse. Fortunately, (I guess) my wife and son are there to remind me.
I find life with so much situational gray though. What if there is a loss of trust, a loss of life, a loss of friendship, or end of marriage? What if the offender never apologizes? What if he/she is no longer on this earth to hate or to forgive? I honestly don’t know the answers.
Consider these questions: How far has God removed your sins from His memory? How far is the East from the West? How great is God’s love for you? How high are the heavens from the earth? When you or I break God’s rules or willfully defy Him does He repay our sin in a way that we deserve?
“Forgive and forget.” I can forgive, but I’ll never forget what they did to me, some say. God could say that as well. God is omniscient, or all knowing. Theologically, He is incapable of forgetting anything. Important appointments don’t just slip His mind. God can feel, experience hurt, disappointment, betrayal, anger…and He can let go of it. God can not forget any offense against Him, but He can choose not to hold a sin against the sinner.
Let me revisit an earlier statement: We have a rule in our house. It’s based on Psalm 103. When someone offends another and apologizes sincerely, the offended forgives and it’s over. It’s not to be brought up again. The offense no longer exists.
Ours is not a perfect home. Some seasons of time involve more offending and less forgiving. Psalm 103 is an ideal goal to live out every day. Offenses in your home and mine may or may not include a school massacre with a gun or machete. They could include anything from spilling milk or breaking the toy of a sibling, to homicidal and suicidal threats and actions. I would suppose each has varying depths of processing the forgiving. Some are easier than others.
If we, as believers, are commanded to be more Christ-like, we would equally be commanded to grow toward seeing wrongs against us in a Christ-like way. “Letting go” is often difficult. So is living like Christ. Read Psalm 103 again. Change begins in our heart, in our views, in our philosophies lived out. Adopting God’s heart, view, and philosophy, and asking the Holy Spirit for help is the only way I know to see the offense as one that no longer exists.
As of this writing, only a short while ago a student gunman at Virginia Tech went on a killing spree. Seung-Hui Cho, a first generation Korean from northern Virginia was both responsible and was a victim. According to some news reports I read, he was diagnosed as autistic when he arrived here in the States as an eight year old. The Korean-American community in which he lived believed that seeking mental health care carries a stigma. Korean society - Confucian, patriarchal, and steeped in pride, dignity and the importance of family - has long viewed mental illness as a taboo topic best kept in the closet. Many Koreans consider it "a sign of bad blood or a sin” to be depressed. "It's against our culture to talk about these things," one person stated.
Since infancy, family and friends noticed Cho as being “different.” As he grew, matured, and developed, Seung-Hui just didn’t talk to people. Some say he was very cold. As a young teen, many say Cho was a stranger even among the tight-knit families who were his neighbors. Relatives said he was unusually quiet and classmates say he was sullen and withdrawn.
My understanding of some mental illnesses such as clinical depression, or even autism, is that these are extremely common symptoms or characteristics.
He became a sophomore at college, still withdrawn, still sullen, depressive. At one point he e- mailed a friend mentioning his suicidal tendencies. The friend passed the e-mail to authorities. The U.S. Courts required him to seek psychiatric assistance; however there was no follow up, and Seung-Hui never went for help.
Then it happened…April 16, 2007, the largest school massacre in modern U.S. history. One professional at the school said of Cho, "Those students are withdrawn and isolated, and even though we see that as a problem, because it's not disruptive, often they slip through the cracks."
The parents, Sung and Hyang Cho, said that the family was "heartbroken" by their son's actions. So are many people. He just slipped through the cracks.
Closer to home, at least my home, Valparaiso, IN had a similar scare in November 2004. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and a student who decided he no longer needed his medication went on a spree. Valparaiso High school is one of the local schools where I teach a two day presentation a few times per year. People in our office were devastated as news came in that a student had been literally hacking seven others with a machete in a classroom and then the hallway. The attacking student, who is now 17, was recently sentenced. He, too, suffers from mental illness.
In my office November 24, 2004 we had a few moments of group prayer. I remember one colleague praying for the families of the victims. For comfort, unity, strength, etc. My mind and heart immediately went in two different directions after he prayed that particular statement. I have no recollection of the rest of his prayer. I thought “what if that was my son that did this in 3-5 years?” That thought took me to the next, which was “man, the parents of the slasher must be going through hell right about now.” The parents are “victims” too.
Real life adventures such as these help raise awareness of mental health issues, mostly in a scary way, to neuro-typical people. There will always be misunderstanding and fear which can result in hate and distance created because of these events. With disturbing news often comes blame, whether justified or not. We often want someone to hate for Virginia Tech and Valparaiso High school. The system is often blamed, or the parents, or the medication and mental health professionals, even the killer himself.
In my home, I have experienced this blame game at times. One small example happened very recently. I was talking with my wife on the couch after work with a cup of coffee in hand. My son was playing with a friend and quickly approached me. He has been warned many times not to jump on me when I have coffee in my hand. He gets burned, I get mad, and the carpet and furniture get soaked.
Well, you can guess what happened; he jumped, coffee spilled, I yelled, and he apologized. It seemed very scripted. It all happened in 3-4 seconds. He was clearly at fault. There was lots of blame to spread around. So I spread it. I sounded just like my Dad. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times…” blah, blah, blah.
“Daddy I said I was sorry. Do you forgive me?”
“Yeah, but…” blah, blah, blah.
We have a rule in our house. It’s based on Psalm 103. When someone offends another, and apologizes sincerely, the offended forgives, and it’s over. It’s not to be brought up again. The offense no longer exists.
Psalm 103
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Isn’t that beautiful from the perspective of someone who offends God and sins against Him? How about from the perspective of someone sinning against another? It seems I am the one in my house that least remembers that verse. Fortunately, (I guess) my wife and son are there to remind me.
I find life with so much situational gray though. What if there is a loss of trust, a loss of life, a loss of friendship, or end of marriage? What if the offender never apologizes? What if he/she is no longer on this earth to hate or to forgive? I honestly don’t know the answers.
Consider these questions: How far has God removed your sins from His memory? How far is the East from the West? How great is God’s love for you? How high are the heavens from the earth? When you or I break God’s rules or willfully defy Him does He repay our sin in a way that we deserve?
“Forgive and forget.” I can forgive, but I’ll never forget what they did to me, some say. God could say that as well. God is omniscient, or all knowing. Theologically, He is incapable of forgetting anything. Important appointments don’t just slip His mind. God can feel, experience hurt, disappointment, betrayal, anger…and He can let go of it. God can not forget any offense against Him, but He can choose not to hold a sin against the sinner.
Let me revisit an earlier statement: We have a rule in our house. It’s based on Psalm 103. When someone offends another and apologizes sincerely, the offended forgives and it’s over. It’s not to be brought up again. The offense no longer exists.
Ours is not a perfect home. Some seasons of time involve more offending and less forgiving. Psalm 103 is an ideal goal to live out every day. Offenses in your home and mine may or may not include a school massacre with a gun or machete. They could include anything from spilling milk or breaking the toy of a sibling, to homicidal and suicidal threats and actions. I would suppose each has varying depths of processing the forgiving. Some are easier than others.
If we, as believers, are commanded to be more Christ-like, we would equally be commanded to grow toward seeing wrongs against us in a Christ-like way. “Letting go” is often difficult. So is living like Christ. Read Psalm 103 again. Change begins in our heart, in our views, in our philosophies lived out. Adopting God’s heart, view, and philosophy, and asking the Holy Spirit for help is the only way I know to see the offense as one that no longer exists.
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