(Journal entry dated 4/8/2008) "I'm still hurting, but still hanging in there. I'm trying to learn to relax a little today and put the endless to do list on hold for the day. We're going to try to go to church this evening instead of on Sunday morning. I don't know why I keep torturing myself with trying to go to church. The kids say they want to go, but the services are miserable for all of us. Maybe a Saturday service will be less stimulating for all of us and more relaxed. I'm growing to hate Sunday morning services because of the way I feel like we have to pretend to be something we're not. The kids are miserable and so am I. So, even though there's no Sunday School on Saturdays, I think we might all do better with a more relaxed service. We'll see. I am not going to fake a smile anymore. I smile naturally anyway, but I'm not going to put on a mask to go to church. I want to be real at church. If putting down my mask upsets others, so be it. I'm at church to worship God and to nurture my spirit, I'm not there to please others. If my reality makes others uncomfortable, they can just walk away. If my hyper-active, sensory needs, almost Asperger's son makes people uncomfortable, they don't have to sit by us. If my son freaks out in church because of a bad sensory day, people could offer to help instead of staring and clucking their tongues. If my daughter screams because her brother is freaking out, then others can either help or go away instead of staring at us like we're freaks. A special needs family deserves to be in church as much as the families who "have it together." I wish those families would just admit that their lives aren't perfect either. We're just loud about our imperfections! I used to love church. Now I dread it. But I have to keep trying because my son (and daughter in a different way) needs to practice his coping skills and social skills. (And so do I). Church is a good place to try. Oh... I'm really lying to myself now... I just long for fellowship. I used to share fellowship until I grew a loud family. Now people run from us. Oh I'm really whining today... I guess I'm getting paid back for every time I used to ask "Why can't those parents control their kids?" There is no such thing as controlling your kids or anyone else. At best we can influence and teach. My goal is to help my kids learn to control themselves. Most days, I don't know what I'm doing, so I just do the best that I can. I'm not going to pressure myself to get us to church this evening. We can have our quiet (or not) family service at home. I just long for the fellowship of other Christians. I think my kids do to. But at what cost. Soon they will learn that they are being ostracized by others. They will feel like they are wrong when they are not wrong. My son needs "active" worship... He is filled with God's spirit and when he's aware of it, he prays loudly and sings his heart out. I can't tell him not to express that. It's sad to admit that if I want my son's spirit to flourish, we need to skip church. My daughter would do okay in church. I think when she is a little older, we can find a way for her to be a part of the traditional church, but for now, she worships better at home too. If "worship" induces screaming and tantrums, then there's something wrong. I'd scream too if I thought it would do any good. Great, I made myself cry again. It's time to stop. I feel so alone. God, I know you are with me and our kids. Please love them through me and show me how I can find fellowship."
When I wrote the last line about asking God to help me find fellowship, I thought of you guys. I haven't met any of the other "unchurch" fellowship, but I'm thankful that I've met you. I'm sorry that I'm feeling sorry for myself, but that's where I'm at today. I suppose I'm grateful for the internet too. It does create one way of seeking fellowship in Christ. I'm glad you are there. I'm glad I feel comfortable enough to be this "real" with another family. I think I have that comfort because I'm pretty sure you've felt that way before. Thank you for reading, Blessings, Leslie
(send comments or questions to pastor_kurt@yahoo.com or ode@comcast.net)
