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As of this writing, only a short while ago a student gunman at Virginia Tech went on a killing spree. Seung-Hui Cho, a first generation Korean from northern Virginia was both responsible and was a victim. According to some news reports I read, he was diagnosed as autistic when he arrived here in the States as an eight year old. The Korean-American community in which he lived believed that seeking mental health care carries a stigma. Korean society - Confucian, patriarchal, and steeped in pride, dignity and the importance of family - has long viewed mental illness as a taboo topic best kept in the closet. Many Koreans consider it "a sign of bad blood or a sin” to be depressed. "It's against our culture to talk about these things," one person stated.
Since infancy, family and friends noticed Cho as being “different.” As he grew, matured, and developed, Seung-Hui just didn’t talk to people. Some say he was very cold. As a young teen, many say Cho was a stranger even among the tight-knit families who were his neighbors. Relatives said he was unusually quiet and classmates say he was sullen and withdrawn.
My understanding of some mental illnesses such as clinical depression, or even autism, is that these are extremely common symptoms or characteristics.
He became a sophomore at college, still withdrawn, still sullen, depressive. At one point he e- mailed a friend mentioning his suicidal tendencies. The friend passed the e-mail to authorities. The U.S. Courts required him to seek psychiatric assistance; however there was no follow up, and Seung-Hui never went for help.
Then it happened…April 16, 2007, the largest school massacre in modern U.S. history. One professional at the school said of Cho, "Those students are withdrawn and isolated, and even though we see that as a problem, because it's not disruptive, often they slip through the cracks."
The parents, Sung and Hyang Cho, said that the family was "heartbroken" by their son's actions. So are many people. He just slipped through the cracks.
Closer to home, at least my home, Valparaiso, IN had a similar scare in November 2004. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and a student who decided he no longer needed his medication went on a spree. Valparaiso High school is one of the local schools where I teach a two day presentation a few times per year. People in our office were devastated as news came in that a student had been literally hacking seven others with a machete in a classroom and then the hallway. The attacking student, who is now 17, was recently sentenced. He, too, suffers from mental illness.
In my office November 24, 2004 we had a few moments of group prayer. I remember one colleague praying for the families of the victims. For comfort, unity, strength, etc. My mind and heart immediately went in two different directions after he prayed that particular statement. I have no recollection of the rest of his prayer. I thought “what if that was my son that did this in 3-5 years?” That thought took me to the next, which was “man, the parents of the slasher must be going through hell right about now.” The parents are “victims” too.
Real life adventures such as these help raise awareness of mental health issues, mostly in a scary way, to neuro-typical people. There will always be misunderstanding and fear which can result in hate and distance created because of these events. With disturbing news often comes blame, whether justified or not. We often want someone to hate for Virginia Tech and Valparaiso High school. The system is often blamed, or the parents, or the medication and mental health professionals, even the killer himself.
In my home, I have experienced this blame game at times. One small example happened very recently. I was talking with my wife on the couch after work with a cup of coffee in hand. My son was playing with a friend and quickly approached me. He has been warned many times not to jump on me when I have coffee in my hand. He gets burned, I get mad, and the carpet and furniture get soaked.
Well, you can guess what happened; he jumped, coffee spilled, I yelled, and he apologized. It seemed very scripted. It all happened in 3-4 seconds. He was clearly at fault. There was lots of blame to spread around. So I spread it. I sounded just like my Dad. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times…” blah, blah, blah.
“Daddy I said I was sorry. Do you forgive me?”
“Yeah, but…” blah, blah, blah.
We have a rule in our house. It’s based on Psalm 103. When someone offends another, and apologizes sincerely, the offended forgives, and it’s over. It’s not to be brought up again. The offense no longer exists.
Psalm 103
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Isn’t that beautiful from the perspective of someone who offends God and sins against Him? How about from the perspective of someone sinning against another? It seems I am the one in my house that least remembers that verse. Fortunately, (I guess) my wife and son are there to remind me.
I find life with so much situational gray though. What if there is a loss of trust, a loss of life, a loss of friendship, or end of marriage? What if the offender never apologizes? What if he/she is no longer on this earth to hate or to forgive? I honestly don’t know the answers.
Consider these questions: How far has God removed your sins from His memory? How far is the East from the West? How great is God’s love for you? How high are the heavens from the earth? When you or I break God’s rules or willfully defy Him does He repay our sin in a way that we deserve?
“Forgive and forget.” I can forgive, but I’ll never forget what they did to me, some say. God could say that as well. God is omniscient, or all knowing. Theologically, He is incapable of forgetting anything. Important appointments don’t just slip His mind. God can feel, experience hurt, disappointment, betrayal, anger…and He can let go of it. God can not forget any offense against Him, but He can choose not to hold a sin against the sinner.
Let me revisit an earlier statement: We have a rule in our house. It’s based on Psalm 103. When someone offends another and apologizes sincerely, the offended forgives and it’s over. It’s not to be brought up again. The offense no longer exists.
Ours is not a perfect home. Some seasons of time involve more offending and less forgiving. Psalm 103 is an ideal goal to live out every day. Offenses in your home and mine may or may not include a school massacre with a gun or machete. They could include anything from spilling milk or breaking the toy of a sibling, to homicidal and suicidal threats and actions. I would suppose each has varying depths of processing the forgiving. Some are easier than others.
If we, as believers, are commanded to be more Christ-like, we would equally be commanded to grow toward seeing wrongs against us in a Christ-like way. “Letting go” is often difficult. So is living like Christ. Read Psalm 103 again. Change begins in our heart, in our views, in our philosophies lived out. Adopting God’s heart, view, and philosophy, and asking the Holy Spirit for help is the only way I know to see the offense as one that no longer exists.
